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Full Circle

I dare say I miss blogging. I had, at one time, found a confident voice that toed that nefarious line between utter insanity and mindblowing genius. I’ve been accumulating ideas to blog about for the last–well ever since I stopped really blogging–with nary the actual impulse to stop what I’m doing and let loose. Loose and free. That’s how blogging made me feel: like a senile senior walking down the street sans body-coverings. But it was controlled freedom… Let the mind loosen up and see what random iota gets caught in my net, ponder it a moment, rotate it and think about it from another angle, then jam it through the language center of my brain like a pineapple through a Ronco juicer, pausing every once in a while either to pick out a chicken bone from the funnel or to give the whole contraption a solid whack to get the neural gears turning again.

I feel like I’ve lost something in the intervening years. I almost predicted it some time ago. I am different now. I feel my professional success is attributable to the struggle I’ve gone through; it has made me live up to my own standards rather than my employer’s, and to always consider my employer but a peer. But ironically my values and principles, being forged in strife, have lead me to seek a constant state of strife as a way to accelerate growth. Now I find myself drowning in aspirations: programming projects, books to read, music to compose, articles to blog. And I find myself constantly in jobs where I’m drowning in work. I can say I’ve maintained some M.O.R. sheep’s concept of good progress with annual salary increases of a certain percentage, but at what cost? I’ve traded the freedom and fun that I had found in life as a recovering failure for lopsided professional growth.

Anyway, I still do the constant-self-analysis-for-improvement bit. I think what that process is telling me now is to just build up momentum. Any good habit is all about momentum. Maybe I can utilize my subway time to get free and loose. I would merely be contributing to the subway’s heralded history of senile people and behavior, like the guy that sat next to me and started shouting out Looney Tunes characters, telling us all how much we’d like each one if we were ever able to watch an episode.

Time to get this snowball rolling. But for now, from this pre-tornado windstorm high in the Brooklyner, th-th-th-that’s all folks!

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5 Comments

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Teri said:

Great blog post Mike! I know… I’m very late on the comment but I’ve been trying out the blogging sector of life myself and I’m unusually interested in blogs these days.

Anyhow you shouldn’t stop! You’re a great writer… keep it up!

Mike McG said:

Aw! Thanks for the support Teri!! Reading my old posts written when I was a student, in their unbridled absurd glory, is more depressing than inspiring. I can’t put my finger on it, but ever since I started working I felt very inhibited in expressing myself. It seriously is quite scary to think about. Employment = shut-up-and-work-until-you-die. Ok maybe that cynicism is a bit extreme, but it is a really sickening correlation for me to ponder. Is that the price one pays for selling his labor? Seems like a bum deal. I’m trying not to think about it too much these days. I’m working on a few side projects that hopefully will lift me out of this proverbial basement sweatshop.

Anyway, I hope all is great with you. Any film projects or trips coming up?

 
 
Teri said:

Hahaha… well your cynicism might be a little extreme, but not by much. I know what you mean, I felt the same way when I was working a 9-5, which is probably why I’ve been so scared to graduate. I don’t want to end becoming a slave again! But I guess that’s why life can be as exciting as it is or mundane. It’s really about what we choose to make of this life I guess. It can be about slaving away for the so-needed paycheck OR we can try to make it about something else. What that may be is any man’s guess. Anyhow you’re not alone, but you’re also still young and your future isn’t set in stone. You’re living in an amazing city (which I am still very jealous about!) and you have an amazing, beautiful girlfriend, so I’m pretty sure you can find something that will lift you out of your proverbial basement sweatshop. And definitely work on your side projects. Those things make all the difference in the world! Don’t get stuck Mike! You have a lot to live for! =)

Mike McG said:

Ya you’re right. I think the weather was getting to me when I wrote that. Thanks for the support Teri!!

 
 
le chef said:

Drowning in work. Yep, that can be a doozey. It’s why I quit my job. Now if only I could find one that would pay better and work me less, I would be in for life.
If only I could get paid to write and eat … I would never have to work again.

 

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